Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Helpful hints

Less than Helpful Hints for Being More Like Jesus, From Allen's Brain via the Ironic Catholic.
  • Learn to walk on water (This is especially helpful when you’re golfing and the ball lands in the water hazard.)
  • Feed 5,000+ people with a Happy Meal. Then, prepare to either be sued by McDonald's or be asked to be in their next TV ad.
  • Pay a bill entirely with money taken from the mouths of fish you've caught.
  • When asked a question, respond by telling a cryptic story.
  • Wreck a church/synagogue bazaar by showing up and trashing the place.
  • Spend more time with your fishing buddies.
  • Gain the secret of turning water into wine. This will make you very popular at parties. If that fails, you can always fall back on “Time to go turn some wine into water,” after an evening of drinking.
  • Cure a variety of diseases in a variety of ways, none of which involve the sentence “Take two of these and call me in the morning.”
  • Offend members of the Religious Right. Repeatedly. (Some of you are enjoying this one a bit too much.)
  • Start your own religion.
  • Get people to swear using your name.
Well I am going to try the fishing buddies one this weekend.

I think too many have tried the "start your own religion". Not so sure the last one would be a good idea either, but hey, these are less than helpful hints.

Here are a few I can add
  • When pulled over for speeding and the officer asks if you know how fast you were going, respond by misquoting the Bible to show you aren't guilty.
  • Call your mother "Woman" without understanding the context.
  • Rename your best friend "Rock" or perhaps something less significant such as "Straw".
  • Chase a bunch of pigs into the nearest lake and look around for approval.
  • Find a friend that betrayed you and get them to feed your sheep for the weekend.
  • Volunteer to lector as Mass and after reading about the Messiah, claim it has been fulfilled in their presence.

1 comment:

The Ironic Catholic said...

Perfect. I'm linking to this!