BRITNEY SPEARS CONCERT CANCELLED! Unfortunately, our efforts to get pop sensation Britney Spears to perform a benefit fundraiser for the parish have proven unsuccessful. Her calendar is full. Therefore, those who have been arriving at Mass every Sunday dressed for a Britney Spears concert should know that they don't have to do that anymore. Modest church-going attire will do nicely. We will notify you if the situation changes.Love that last line.
PLANS FOR PARISH SWIMMING POOL SCRAPPED! After much study, our finance committee has determined it would not be feasible to construct an indoor swimming pool in our church. Among other things, they report, it would interfere with the valuable work now being performed each Sunday by our ushers, who have enough difficulty navigating the aisles without doing it in flippers and a life vest. As a result, we can now announce with certainty that those who have been arriving for Mass as if dressed for the pool need not do so. Also, we hope to keep the air conditioning cranking all summer long. So you do not need to wear shorts, halter tops or bikinis to Mass.
FAULTY ALARM CLOCKS POSE DANGER! An exclusive parish investigation has uncovered a new danger facing our parishioners: people who enter the church 15 minutes after Mass has started, and attempt to find a seat by climbing over the rope strung across the aisle. This can result in falls or -- in some cases -- embarassing displays of underwear. Experts recommend that all Catholics check their alarm clocks every night to make sure they are working, so that they can arrive at Mass on time.
CELL PHONES CAUSE HEAD INJURIES! New research indicates that people who bring cell phones to church are more likely to suffer serious head trauma, usually caused by the priest throwing the lectionary at them. Such people are also more likely to be wounded by hurled umbrellas and rolled up missals. We care about our parishioners. As a public service, then, we are advising all to leave cell phones at homne or, failing that, to flick the switch to "vibrate." Medical experts say it will lead to a longer, healtheir life. There is also anecdotal evidence that such precautions will keep your neighbors in the pews from digging their nails into your hand during the "sign of peace."
MUNCHIES AT MASS? Rampant rumors persist that the parish is planning to institute a mid-Mass picnic every Sunday. This has led some parishioners to arrive at church with water bottles, yogurt, animal crackers, sandwiches and the occasional box of candy. Rest assured: the only food we will be serving will be of the spiritual kind, at the usual time, at the usual place -- by the altar rail during communion. Don't worry about bringing anything else. We have all you'll need right here. Just BYOS. Bring Your Own Soul.
Any to add to that? I think I have one or two:
PRAYERS OF THE FAITHFUL DEBATE has been cancelled. Although this is a favorite time of Mass for many attention starved parishioners, we have decided to scrap this portion for the health of our elderly members who cannot handle standing for the lengthy period while the people pontificate on their well worded views on pet subjects. It is also uncomfortable for our hearing impaired members who struggle to hear the diatribe and don't know whether to respond with the "Lord hear our prayer." or hiss their disapproval.
Yes, sister we know you will still cling to the changing of the unchangeable in hopes of becoming a priestess one day. And yes dear usher, we understand your political views are not very well represented in our parish, but politics is so blasé compared to receive the body and blood of our Lord.
CHURCH CURRENT EVENTS DISCUSSION GROUP CANCELLED. No longer will you feel inadequate because you missed the Saturday night news, latest TV reality show or didn't read the Sunday paper before Mass. From now on, our homilies will consist of references to only two publications, the Bible and the Catechism. No more scanning the morning paper on the way to church so you can relate to the homily. No more embarrassing blank looks when the homilist tries to be relevant and hip while alienating half the congregation. Just listen to the readings for the day, preview them if you wish, but listen and learn about scripture during the Liturgy of the Word.